To Love Again

Book Series: Trevor Family Saga (Book 2)

Publishing Date: 1998

Author: Anita Stansfield

Publisher: Covenant Communications, Inc.

Category: LDS Contemporaray Romance
Point of View: Third Person, limited: Colin and Janna
Chapter Count: 16
Page Count: 292

No dedication just this…

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Through the course of writing Janna and Colin’s story, there were many people who gave their time and experience for the sake of making this project happen. To maintain your anonymity, I would simply like to express heartfelt gratitude to each of you who have shared your experiences with me, and also for reading the manuscripts. You know who you are. I couldn’t have done it without you.

Also, a special thank-you to Dr. James MacArthur, for having so much in common with Sean, and for his time and know-how. And to Linda and Carol at The Turning Point, for allowing me to pass their expertise along to my readers. And, of course, to my family and friends, who continue to give unending support; especially to Vince, for being my hero. And last, but certainly not least, to my Father in Heaven, for once again, sending me the miracles I needed.

Chapter 1- Picking up almost exactly where the last book left off, Janna is wearing her poofy wedding gown. She laughs as Colin carries her across the threshold of their hotel room. It is their wedding day and after a couple pages of plot exposition, (in case you missed the last book) Colin and Janna take off next morning in Colin's convertible for their honeymoon which Colin promises to be a trip around the world which actually turns out to be Las Vagas (before the awesomely tacky, family-friendly themed resorts from the 90's were replaced by the adult bars and clubs of today).

Janna and Colin stay at the (awesomely tacky) Excalibur, walk the strip, tour the Luxor, (back in the day of the river ride and ancient Egyptian attractions) admire the small Statue of Liberty facsimile but don't ride the New York New York roller coaster. (It IS pretty intense.)

Next stop, the beaches of southern California. The newlyweds spend several days at a private beachfront cottage with other (time-share?) vacationers before driving home to Provo. Janna has never been so happy in her entire life. She marvels that, even after all these years, Colin would choose her to be his wife. 

Colin gets a job offer with a law firm in Salt Lake and the family moves. Matthew's transition to his new school and neighborhood go smoothly. Soon after the family is settled, Janna announces she's pregnant. Colin is delighted.

Chapter 2- One morning, Colin's younger, married, look-alike brother is in town on a business trip and staying with the Trevors. Colin lets him borrow their car for his meeting and goes downstairs to finish a chore in the basement leaving his very pregnant wife alone in the kitchen.

Hearing voices, Colin comes upstairs just in time to find Russell Clark (on parole for good behavior) attacking Janna. Like the hero he is, Colin decks Russell and subdues him until the police arrive to march him back to prison. No early parole for him for a long time. Russell flashes an evil smile at Janna, promising they will meet again while Janna takes refuge in Colin's arms, shaken, frightened.

The baby arrives a few days later. It's a girl. They name her Caitlin.

One year later, Janna gives birth to another girl, Mallory (who will star in her own upcoming book) but Janna is not recovering from her encounter with Russell; sinking back into her old melancholy. Her years with Russell cannot be forgotten so easily.

To top it all off, Colin is in the office one day when a strange man enters and introduces himself as Miles Hayne, Janna's pervert of a biological father who committed incest with her when Janna was thirteen. Colin is not very polite in his reception. To make matters worse, today just had to be the day Janna decided to surprise Colin at the office by taking him out to lunch. She takes one look at her father and slaps him across the face. Taking his cue, Miles exits and Colin catches Janna before she collapses. 

Everything goes downhill from here. Janna grows more and more bitter, angry and depressed. It's more than just postpartum blues, seeing all her old dysfunctional relationships triggered something in Janna and it will take the rest of this book before she's able to come to terms with it.

Chapter 3- Janna struggles just to care for herself, her home and two babies. This dark cloud hanging over her just won't go away. Instead of taking Zoloft, Janna is overwhelmed by paranoia that any minute Russell or Miles will rush in and harm her family. Colin attempts to distract her with love, physical attention, gifts and suggestions of outings they can take, just the two of them, but Janna won't have it. 

Colin has a job offer from his old law firm in Provo. He's grown dissatisfied with the current Babylonian office atmosphere here in the city but Janna absolutely refuses to uproot herself and her children when she's feeling this lousy about her life. This issue leads to further contention and marital strife.

In desperation, Colin calls our favorite family therapist, Sean O'Hara, to save them. He drives to Provo to meet with Sean for some coaching on how to handle Janna but the techniques don't work unless the other person is willing to make an effort and Janna refuses to talk or share her feelings with Colin. Instead she takes out all her hatred and distrust toward all men on Colin who is starting to feel like a doormat.

At the office, Colin is mentoring two new junior law associates. One is an attractive, married, childless, non-member, named Lily Greene who makes the idea of leaving his shrew of a wife very tempting as Janna has been withholding sex since Mallory was born while Colin has been taking over more and more of the household tasks just to keep the peace. He knows something's gotta give, soon.

Chapter 4- One morning in October, Colin and Janna argue before Colin leaves for work. Colin delivers the ultimate verbal blow telling Janna he's just plain fed up with her victimized attitude and he's not going to take it anymore! 

After a hard day, barely able to focus on his work, it is a welcome relief when Lily stops by his office, asking for a ride home. They have become friends by this point and it seems harmless enough. Colin really wasn't looking forward to going home tonight anyway. One thing leads to another until Colin finds himself kissing Lily in the front room of her condo. Her husband moved out and they are in the process of a divorce which Colin has been helping her deal with. They are both lonely. 

As their kiss intensifies, Colin decides "to hell with it," takes Lily in his arms and carries her to the bedroom. When he comes to his senses, Colin sobs in agony while Lily comforts him. So they committed adultery, big deal. People do it everyday, but Colin knows better. He just burned his last bridge.

Back at the house, Colin's last words to Janna motivated her to get to work: she cleaned, ran errands, stocked the pantry, took a shower and cooked a nice dinner. She is ready to make up and commit to working out their problems but Colin doesn't come home until after everyone is in bed. He has no explanation for her. Feeling like a dirty whore, Colin takes a vigorous shower and crawls in next to his sleeping wife and cries himself to sleep.

Colin is an absolute wreck the next day. Unable to do his work at the office, he leaves and returns home to sit Janna down and confess everything. Janna freaks. She screams at him to get out and even helps him pack. They are officially separating until Janna can figure out how she's going to deal with this nuclear explosion. The fallout will take a long time to decompose.

Chapter 5- Colin checks into a motel and makes an appointment with Sean who is not his bishop but, after the conversation they have and the counsel Sean gives him, he might as well be. Afterwards, Colin drives back to Salt Lake and returns to the office to make a few calls and announces his resignation. He's moving to Provo, where the job offer at his old law firm still stands. Lily is upset they won't be enjoying an office romance like on TV. He accepts her goodbye kiss and arranges for flowers to be delivered to her place. He sends another bouquet to Janna. Warren Jeffs would be proud.

Colin talks to his bishop who is condescending and judgmental. He leaves feeling worse than ever. He drives home to Janna, hoping for some sympathy but Janna has none to give and kicks him out all over again; refusing to take him back. 

Tears streaming down his face, Colin drives aimlessly until he finds himself at Lily's. He goes in and they end up spending another night together. Colin wakes up in the night, groans and has another good cry in the arms of his new lover. Unlike Janna, Lily is full of kindness and affinity.

Next morning, while Lily is snoring away, Colin leaves a goodbye-no-hard-feelings-note on her bathroom mirror. Once again, he phones Sean immediately upon entering his motel room. Colin is one messed up man.

Chapter 6- Colin's confession to his stake president goes better. He is treated with compassion and understanding. There will be a disciplinary council. Colin will probably be excommunicated but forgiveness and eventual return to full membership is possible. Colin sobs into his motel bedspread feeling lower than he's ever felt in his life. Godly sorrow is a bitter pill to swallow.

He confesses all to his parents who now understand why Janna and Colin have separated. To add to the drama, his father has just been diagnosed with brain cancer but he'll go with Colin to his disciplinary meeting for the moral support his son so desperately needs right now.
Colin's final confession is to his ten-year-old son, Matthew, who wants to live with Colin. Janna practically throws their son at him, relieved to be free of the responsibility of her oldest child. Colin drives to Salt Lake to help move Matthew's bed and belongings to the Provo apartment he just rented. They have a nice chat in the car where Colin explains, using terms understandable to a child his age, why his mother is so mad at Colin and why Colin's activity in the church will be changing. With surprising maturity, Matthew agrees Janna has not been the easiest person to live with these last few months. Just the other day, Janna struck him for talking back and while Matthew admits he probably deserved it, it'll be nice living with Colin who is much more patient and agreeable. Colin is glad for the company his son will provide to ease his loneliness and discouragement.

Chapter 7- Colin's father comes with him to the disciplinary council, sitting outside while Colin goes in. Being excommunicated, no longer permitted to participate in Sunday worship services or wear the sacred temple undergarments, is the most terrifying thing Colin has ever faced in his life. (You'd think taking off said garments before having sex with Lily would've snapped him out of it to begin with. Most LDS adultery starts with the seemingly innocent decision of members' foregoing the hassle of wearing garments, leading to secretive behavior and dishonesty, ect.) His father holds him as he sobs his grief. He won't be alone. His family, sans Janna, will be there to support him every step of the way during his year long probation. 

Janna receives the news of his excommunication with cold indifference. The holidays arrive but for a man forced to share custody of his children, it is not a happy occasion for Colin. He runs into Lily for the first time since their last roll in the hay. He can't resist kissing her in the privacy of her office until someone interrupts them. Colin is relieved for the excuse he needed to escape.  

His father goes in for surgery and makes a full recovery. Lily phones Colin at the office while Matthew is staying overnight with Janna and Colin agrees to one last visit so they can discuss their relationship. 

Chapter 8- To Colin's horror, Lily is waiting in his apartment with candles and soft music playing. Refusing to let her seduce him, again, he sits her down and bears his testimony about his religion, his feelings for Janna and his firm, personal belief in monogamy. All evidence to the contrary, of course! Hearing the tragic story of Colin and Janna, Lily has a better understanding of why a casual sex relationship is impossible for this man. With the music still playing, she and Colin share one last dance. Colin whispers Janna's name. Taking her cue, Lily pecks him on the cheek and makes a graceful exit.

Unable to bear the solitude and his own dark thoughts, Colin takes refuge at his parent's house. Next day, he picks up Matthew where Janna is very rude, screaming at him to get out of her sight. Business is taking Colin out of the country to Japan where a foreign client needs an interpreter to finish his transactions with the law firm and since Colin served his mission to that country, he's the only one they can send who speaks the language. 

Matthew will stay with Janna in Salt Lake, missing school to help run the household because everyone, including Colin, is worried about her ability to function. Ever since Colin and Matthew moved out, Janna has been spiraling downward, refusing to seek treatment for herself. Knowing Matthew has everything under control, she lays down on her bed and allows the depression to consume her.

Scared at his mother's comatose behavior, Matthew phones Grandma Trevor. Nancy comes right over, calls paramedics and Janna is taken, not to LDS Hospital in Salt Lake which has one of the best psychiatric wards and addiction treatment center in the region, but south to Provo because this is where Sean O'Hara practices. Whatever.

Chapter 9- Colin's trip goes well but when he returns and learns what happened he rushes to Janna's side. Sean is waiting for him. Janna's nervous breakdown was a sign that there are deep, festering wounds that need to be cleaned out, felt, and dealt with (this will become a recurring theme in future novels) lucky for them Sean is here to guide them through this process. Colin feels guilty, like this is all his fault. Sean points out there were many factors, not just his adultery and excommunication, that led to this. Colin might need to prepare himself for a life without Janna who needs to reboot, start over, find herself again.

Janna's time in the hospital is spent reading books recommended by Sean, attending group therapy sessions and having many emotional purging sessions with Sean where new layers of healing have been discovered. Janna has learned much about dysfunctional, abusive relationships, dealing with stress and overcoming failure. It is agreed that when Janna is released, she will move into Colin's apartment and live alone while Colin already sold the house in Salt Lake and moved his family to a new home in Provo, where his parents will help babysit while he works, having full custody of the children.

Janna is bumming around her new apartment one day when Lily comes knocking having tracked down her lover's address. It doesn't take long for the two women to identify each other. No cat fights ensue over who gets Colin (think Dallas) but an understanding is reached. Lily leaves and Janna discovers she feels better about herself for the first time in years, having stood up to Lily and shown her the door. She tells Sean about her encounter and he's proud of her too. Seeing the competition, knowing how close she came to losing Colin because of her self-destructive behavior, Janna is starting to look at life a little differently now.

Chapter 10- At Matthew's soccer game, Colin surprises Janna by approaching and talking to her. Despite her cynical attitude toward him, Janna and Colin manage to have a calm, reasonable discussion about Janna taking the kids every other weekend which Colin has no problem with. Whatever makes Janna happy. He just wants them to be a family again but "Mommy weekends" become challenging as the loneliness is just too much for Colin who misses his children desperately. He finds himself missing Lily too and hurries to talk to Sean about his feelings in case he backslides again. To his surprise, Sean encourages him to test his ability to resist.

Colin begins phoning Lily every other weekend. Just to talk. Proving Harry and Sally CAN be friends so long as Colin stays close to his daily prayer and scripture study and out of Lily's bed!

One weekend, knowing Colin will be alone, Lily drops by for a chaste visit. Colin enjoys her company as they run errands, laugh and talk. Last stop is Matthew's soccer game. Lily waits in the car while Colin gets out. To his dismay, Janna actually stayed to watch instead of just dropping her son off like she usually does when it's her turn. Seeing Lily's blonde head in the passenger seat, Janna gets defensive. Colin has reassured her many times that Lily has never met the children and they haven't had any kind of relationship since before his excommunication but Janna is still weary.

Two weekends later, Lily phones Colin who knows they need to terminate this relationship. He points out to Lily the reality of what life would be like if they were to get married and move in together: she would be an automatic stepmother because Colin is a package deal. She would find herself left out of all religious activities that are so much a part of his life. She would be sharing his affection with his ex-wife, the mother of his children, whom he can never completely sever himself from because of his commitment to family. Since Lily has never expressed any desire to join the church or be a wife and mother, she admits Colin has a point. It would never work between them. Aside from sex, they have little in common. Colin hangs up knowing he still loves Janna while Lily will always be in his friend zone.

Chapter 11- As his one year anniversary approaches, Colin reflects on how much he's gone through since he cheated on Janna. As another Sunday comes around and Janna has the kids, Colin sits in his church meetings, alone, discouraged, feeling invisible, participation is forbidden, he may as well be hanging out with Lily. As he sits in sacrament meeting, Colin begins praying to be free of these negative thoughts and for the knowledge that his penitence has not been in vain. Suddenly a wonderful, warm feeling of peace engulfs him and he KNOWS he's been forgiven. 

Colin goes to his parents' home for Sunday dinner and they rejoice with him. He tells Sean who is equally glad. He reconvenes with the stake high council who approve his worthiness for re-baptism and they set a date. He calls his oldest brother who would be honored to fly to Utah and perform the ordinance. His brother is ignorant of the details but Colin promises he'll reveal all next week.

The last person Colin wants to share his news with is Janna but he knows they'll need Sean to mediate. All three meet in Sean's office where Janna declares she couldn't care less which church Colin is getting re-baptized into. She's never taking him back or forgiving him and that's that. Janna leaves slamming the door behind her. Sean tells Colin that Janna told him she doesn't want to be the first one to file for divorce; a good sign she probably still loves him. Sean promises to come to Colin's baptism.

Janna does make an appearance at Colin's baptism after all. He spots her just after emerging from the water. He hugs his brother. His father gives him a beautiful blessing, reinstating his membership, bestowing the Holy Ghost, warning him of the temptations awaiting him as it will take an additional year before he can return to the temple and full church membership and finally promising him the greatest desire of his heart, that his family will be reunited again (which means Janna will have to exercise her free agency and take Colin back).

Next day is fast Sunday. Matthew and Colin get up and bear their testimonies. Colin thanks everyone in his ward for their love and support. He is a living witness that repentance, the sacrament and the Atonement work and he has so much to be grateful for.

Next day he takes Matthew with him to the bank where Colin spent this last year depositing ten percent of all his income into a special account for the day he could pay tithes and offerings again as a member in good standing. The amount withdrawn is miraculous in itself which says a lot for Colin's ability to budget for two households-he's been paying for everything, including Janna's medical bills. They drop the tithing envelope off at the bishop's house (Isn't it great we can do it all online now?) and return home. Matthew is very proud of his father.

Lily phones the following weekend, knowing Janna has the kids and Colin is lonely but Colin is adamant this is the last time they can communicate with each other. If Janna divorces him, Lily will be first to know and if Lily ever expresses interest in learning more about his beliefs, Colin will send the missionaries to her door. Colin tells her to take care and hangs up then gets down on his knees to pray for strength to avoid temptation (at least until Tinder is invented!)

Chapter 12- Janna meets with Sean who repeats, for about the hundredth time, that Janna really needs to find it in herself to forgive Colin, forgive every man who ever hurt her, imagine herself rising above, standing up to her abusers, no longer a victim and move on. Get a job. Get a life.

Janna decides to start with finding a job. Since she's always been good at sewing, Janna applies for a position at a fabric store at the mall (absolutely unheard of today) and gets hired. Seeing her talent and potential, her boss quickly promotes her to creating store displays and taking custom sewing orders. Janna loves the work. She befriends a young BYU freshman named Hilary Smith (featured in the next book) who is waiting for a missionary. Another mall employee, a divorced man named Paul, notices Janna and starts asking her out to which Janna blushes and refuses. 

Colin meets with Sean and clutches his pearls as Sean gets him to admit that committing adultery was an enjoyable experience. The consequences were hell, true, but the relationship he had with Lily did teach him something about the importance of intimacy with a woman. Lily was completely giving in bed while Janna always held back. The irony is almost too much as Colin realizes Janna is the one that he wants, darn it! He'll keep holding out for her.

Matthew declares to Colin all he wants for his upcoming twelfth birthday is for Mom and Dad to be in the same room without arguing. Something else is bothering Matthew and Colin gets it out of him: Janna's been seeing some guy named Paul and Matthew is scared. He doesn't want his parents to get a divorce. Neither does Colin.

Chapter 13- At Matthew's birthday party, family only, Colin confronts Janna in the kitchen to ask about Paul. Janna calls him a hypocrite. It's none of his business. She's not wearing her wedding rings either, Colin notices. With cruel indifference, Janna replies she threw them away the day Colin confessed his infidelity. She might try it herself just to spite him. Colin reminds her of his personal experiences with the consequences of such a sin. Not something he recommends. He gathers the kids and leaves.

As Christmas approaches, Matthew tells Janna all he wants is for them to be a family again for the holiday. Janna agrees to host Christmas, invite Colin for both days and, yes, she'll be nice to him.

On Christmas Eve, Paul shows up at her door with a gift for her (He knows where she lives, he gave her a ride home once when her car wouldn't start. Touché, Colin!) which Janna accepts. He kisses her and takes his leave before Colin arrives with the kids to spend the evening. Learning Paul was here and left the freshly unwrapped gift, he is hurt at the competition. Still, Janna is torn between her feelings of reawakened attraction, thanks to Paul's kiss, which she'd like to direct to her husband but can't allow herself to feel. 

Christmas morning is enjoyed by all. Even Janna continues to be civil, yet, every time she meets Colin's eye, a rush of butterflies ensues. Sensing her feelings, Colin finds a quiet opportunity to take Janna in his arms and kiss her. Janna responds before remembering and pushing him away.

Colin is discouraged. It doesn't help when Matthew is ordained to the priesthood the following Sunday by his Grandpa Trevor and not his own father because Colin isn't eligible yet to be restored that privilege. Later, Matthew comes into his father's bedroom with Janna's wedding rings. He saw her throw them away last year and dug them out afterwards when she wasn't looking. Colin is comforted.

One night, while Matthew is getting the little girls out of the tub, Colin answers the door to find Miles Hayne has returned having tracked down Colin. He'd like to see his grandchildren and, as he catches sight of his two sweet, innocent, freshly bathed, with just their towels on, little granddaughters being ushered out of the bathroom, he licks his lips in anticipation and repeats his request. Colin tells him to go to hell, punches him for good measure and slams the door in his face.

Chapter 14- Janna talks to Sean about her torn feelings of wanting to take back Colin but afraid of being hurt again. She talks to her old visiting teacher, Karen, (see Return to Love) who tells Janna to count her blessings. Her ex-husband left her because of adultery and was never the least bit remorseful about it, unlike Colin. She talks to Hilary, who tells her about her aunt whose hubby also cheated on her but after a lot of counseling, tears and forgiveness she took him back and their marriage is stronger than ever. Janna is troubled hearing all this. What is wrong with her that she can't just let these feelings go?

Unable to take a hint, Miles Hayne shows up at Janna's door one night while Janna is alone. She dials 911. Her father leaves before police arrive. She files a restraining order anyway, surprised at herself for how good it felt to stand up to her abuser and not experiencing any of the negative feelings that tormented her two years ago. She must be getting stronger. 

Paul tries one last time to initiate a relationship but she refuses him, again. She contemplates how Colin probably went through these same scenarios with Lily and that's when it all clicks. Finally! Now she understands empathy. 

The next day is Friday, Valentine's Day is Saturday and it's Janna's weekend to have the kids. Filled with the discovery of new love, Janna drops the kids off at Grandma's, lets herself into Colin's house and gets to work. She cleans, cooks dinner and fixes herself up. Colin is going to be so surprised when he gets home... 

Chapter 15- Not looking forward to spending the most romantic day of the year tomorrow, alone, with nothing to occupy him, Colin enters the house, smells the food, sees the candles, hears the music and immediately assumes Lily broke in and is once again trying to seduce him. He yells his displeasure before he sees Janna on the stairs. Oops.

The reconciliation between them is almost too perfect. Just like that, Janna is ready to forgive Colin and be a family again. She'll be a wife to him, mother to their children and completely supportive in his continuing journey to full, card-carrying membership in the church, as she should've been all along. They go to bed together and, for once, Colin doesn't have to feel guilty about it the next morning.

Nancy calls wondering where Janna is since she didn't answer at the apartment. Colin informs her Janna is right here, smudged makeup, messy hair and all. Grandma tells them to enjoy the day and hangs up so Colin and Janna can get back to their heart-to-heart conversation. 

Janna knows how Mahana felt in that incredibly superficial Johnny Lingo movie. (The 1969 version and the reason young men no longer date young women anymore in the church today, too much pressure! Making every plain, homely, girl feel special? When he could hold out for a nine or a ten? That's just asking too much!) Colin assures her she was worth every cow penny it took to woo her back into his arms. At least 78 bouquets of flowers! (That really is asking too much!) They laugh as Colin admits he never did paint Lily's toenails. They drive over to the apartment and start packing Janna things. She's coming home.

Chapter 16- Colin and Janna waste no time going to see Sean to thank him for all his help and good advice in getting them back together. Colin takes her to lunch afterwards, where Janna admits she let her own temple recommend expire last year. She'll wait for Colin before she returns to make it more even. She'll also be quitting her job at the mall, now that she has a husband to support her. Colin is completely happy.

Some time later, Janna learns Russell is up for parole but she's not going into hysterics this time. Bring it on! 
Sure enough, only a few days later, Janna walks into her kitchen to find Russell waiting for her. He lifts his hand to strike but Janna is a new woman now. Before he can do anything she goes into self-defense mode (like Linda Hamilton from "Beauty and the Beast") using every technique she was taught: scratching his eyes, punching his throat and finally delivering the ultimate male pain by kicking him hard in the groin. Russell lay moaning on the floor. Janna meets Colin's eyes in the doorway and they exchange a triumphant look. The police haul Russell away, again, and Janna hugs Colin. Like the end of a horror movie, they are finally free of Russell. Janna has forgiven Colin for his terrible mistake and they can finally live happily ever after. This time for good.

The End