Return to Love

Page Count: 238

Book Series: Trevor Family Saga (Book 1)

Publishing Date: 1997

Author: Anita Stansfield

Publisher: Covenant Communications, Inc.

Category: LDS Contemporaray Romance
Point of View: Third Person, limited: Colin and Janna
Chapter Count: 17
Page Count: 319

To all those who have escaped their personal walls of Jericho. And even more so, to those who have yet to find a way.

Chapter 1- *Only eighteen pages but lots of info-dumping*
Colin Trevor and JannaLyn Hayne. Two crazy teenagers in love who just couldn't stop themselves from going all the way. That's what comes from watching R-rated movies, kids. No more English Patient or Jerry Maguire for you! Now, Colin and Janna are sitting in the bishop's office confessing to fornication. Both are Provo locals. Colin is a student at BYU, studying pre-law. He has sandy hair and a lean figure. He's the stake president's son which means he can still honor his family by serving a mission and marry Janna in the temple, right? (Ah, the good old "repent and go" days before the church raised the bar in 2002) The bishop assures him he can but he and Janna must promise to spend their individual repentance process apart, to avoid temptation.

Janna has green eyes and brown hair with a natural soft curl. She's an only child who just lost her mother to a stroke. Her father abandoned her and her mother when Janna was a baby, she hasn't seen her father in years. After the funeral, Colin took her back to the empty house where she broke down in Colin's arms which led to their night of passion. It happened TWICE! Janna is still a minor, she'll graduate from high school soon, turning eighteen shortly afterwards and her maiden aunt from Arizona the only family she has, is here now to act as her guardian. She has no idea of her niece's situation. Colin's folks are also ignorant but Colin promises he'll confess to them, as soon as he can work up the courage. The bishop assures them of the miracle of forgiveness and wishes them luck in getting their lives in order so they can put this little mistake behind them.

Six weeks later, Colin can put in his mission papers but Janna refuses to meet the bishop's eye when he asks if she has any objections. Meaning, is she pregnant? 

Janna says no. 

Everyone, including Colin, knows she's lying.

Janna often spends Sunday afternoons eating dinner and hanging out with Colin and his family and today is no different. Colin paints her toenails (apparently this is a romantic gesture) and worries Janna is hiding something. Janna insists she's fine.
The day following Janna's graduation, Colin helps her load the last suitcase into her aunt's car. Colin knows something is wrong but doesn't press the issue; he just kisses Janna goodbye and tries to make her promise to write the second she arrives in Arizona, to return to Utah the minute she's of legal age and wait for him so they can be married in the temple. Janna makes no promises and her unromantic aunt is impatient to be off. She accepts his kisses, exchanges "I love you's" and gets in the car without looking back.

Colin won't see her again for many years.

He was the boy down the street. Now Janna's old childhood home is up for sale and his soulmate is miles away. Months pass. No word from Janna. Colin serves a two year mission to Japan. He comes home. Still no word from Janna. He does some serious private investigating and learns Aunt Phyllis passed away almost immediately upon arrival back in Arizona. JannaLyn married shortly afterwards and moved away from the area. That's all anyone knows.

Colin sighs and throws himself into his BYU law school studies. He can't bring himself to date anyone seriously. Years pass and the nagging feeling just won't go away. Something between Colin and Janna was left undone. Something only Colin can rectify.

Chapter 2- Russell Clark is no Prince Charming. As he lifts his hand to strike Janna, she flinches, thinks of Colin and his deep blue eyes, wondering what he's doing now at this very moment. The blow knocks her unconscious. When Janna comes to, she's in her own bed but her first thought is for her kindergarten-age little boy, Matthew. She overhears Russell offer to take him out for a hamburger. They leave and Janna sobs freely into her pillow with no fear of repercussion from her insane, controlling, manipulative, obsessive-compulsive husband. On the outside, Russell is an active Mormon, return missionary, charming, charismatic, the perfect husband, father and provider that Janna fell for. They met in Arizona and when he offered to whisk her away back to Utah she accepted. Everyone in their family ward here in Provo believes they have the perfect temple marriage. Russell works hard as an accountant and provides his family with everything they need. 

Behind closed doors, Russell Clark is a monster.

Janna yearns for the courage to just take Matthew and leave him but Russell has brainwashed her into classic Stockholm Syndrome. She fears living on her own, with no financial resources or the emotional benefits that come from being married. She reads a scripture passage that gives her hope.

Janna confesses to her visiting teachers about her husband's true nature. They laugh and brush the story off but, later, one returns to apologize and tell Janna she believes her. Karen urges Janna to talk to someone: the bishop, a battered woman's shelter, the police, a doctor, anyone. If she's having secret miscarriages as a result of these beatings, she needs to get the hell out of there, now, before Russell kills her or worse. At Karen's insistence, she talks to her bishop who doesn't believe her and when Russell finds out, he beats her for tattling on him.

Chapter 3- September has arrived and Matthew has just started first grade. Janna attends back to school night by herself where she sees Colin Trevor among the crowd of parents and he sees her. As soon as the meeting concludes, Janna runs from the school gym, ignoring Colin's cries until she successfully shakes him. Safe in her car, breathing hard, torn between feelings of ecstasy seeing her true love again after all these years and fear of what Russell would do to her if he ever found out, Janna sobs.

Matthew returns home from school one day to announce he's made a new friend and could he invite Brian over? Russell gives permission. He is home and on his best behavior when the boy's parents arrive to pick him from his play date. When the boys request a second play date, it is Brian's Uncle Colin who gives Janna the shock of her life when she answers the door; here to pick up his nephew. This explains why Colin, still a swingin' bachelor as Janna notices he wears no ring, was at the school that night but before they can really catch up, Russell comes home from work and it's all Janna can do to bury her feelings deep down. Colin sees right through the "Stepford wife" mask she's wearing; the forced cheerfulness and affection husband and wife show each other whenever they have company.

Colin tells his older sister the whole story the following day. He's living with her while he pays off student loans and working hard at a law firm. Leaving out the part about their roll in the hay, he confides his suspicions that the Clark home is not as perfect as it appears. He even had a dream in which Janna cried, asking him to help her which he did. Cathy is incredulous at all this assumption. Surly it can't be as bad as Colin fears.

The doorbell rings. Speak of the devil, Russell Clark and Janna are here to pick up Matthew. Colin tries to catch Janna's eye but she's too tense. Even Cathy can't help but notice the fake smile plastered on Janna's face. They leave and Cathy believes. Colin is more determined than ever to get to the bottom of this.

Chapter 4- Janna worst fears are confirmed later that night. Russell wasn't fooled at all. He saw the way Colin was looking at her, HIS WIFE which simply will not do. For the first time in many years, Janna stands up for herself. Russell backhands her anyway. This beating is the worst one yet. Next morning, Russell leaves for work but not until after he makes Janna get up and fix him breakfast. The scumbag.

Janna cries after he leaves, knowing what she must do. She's been praying for faith, courage and strength. She's also been preparing Matthew. Clothes and other personal items have been discreetly set aside in preparation to run and today is that day. She and Matthew are almost ready to leave the house when Russell walks in and ruins everything. He suspected Janna might try something like this. He dumps out the suitcases, confiscates Janna's car keys and threatens to kill Janna if she ever tries this again. Then he leaves, taking Matthew with him to drop him off at school where he belongs.

Fighting back tears, Janna repeats the first line of the Young Women's theme over and over as she repacks their things. Picking up the phone, she makes the call that will save her life. Colin answers the phone and decides to ignore Janna's message: Please tell Cathy, Ms. Janna regrets, she's unable to lunch today. Colin isn't fooled for a moment. He drives over immediately to talk Janna into letting his family help her. Like a knight in shining armor, he arranges her rescue: sending Cathy over in a borrowed car in disguise so nobody can trace them, insisting they stay at his parents' home for the time being and providing Janna all the financial support she'll need.

Chapter 5- Janna is delivered safely to the Trevor residence and for Janna seeing her old, upscale, Oak Hills neighborhood (located on Provo's east bench just above BYU, the MTC and the Provo temple) brings back a wave of memories, not to mention the house where she spent so many Sunday afternoons hanging out with Colin and his family. Nancy Trevor is a gracious hostess, welcoming Janna back as if she'd never left them. Colin shows her to the basement guest room with twin beds and a private bath. Cathy picks up Matthew and Brian from school. The boy won't be returning, Nancy and Janna will homeschool him. Matthew hardly notices the transition. For him, being in a safe place where that man can't hit his mother anymore is all that matters. Janna doesn't miss the poignant look in Nancy's eyes when she's introduced to Matthew.

Nancy takes Janna to the doctor who fills out a complete report which will be added to the police file. Colin makes sure an associate at work handles Janna's case which he will be paying for. Everyone warns Colin not to move to fast in his eagerness to rekindle old flames. Janna is a survivor now and in pretty bad shape-physically and psychologically. Years of abuse are not easily forgotten. Colin would be wise to give her the space and time she needs to heal.

Chapter 6- Janna settles in. Colin spends all his free time at the house. One evening he asks Janna, straight out, why she left him like that and doesn't believe her weak excuse: that he was better off without her. The line upsets Colin. He talks to his mother about it. Nancy tells him to keep exercising patience. Weeks pass and Colin becomes concerned over Janna's health. She's throwing up alot. Janna informs him it's quite common when you're preggers and since she's already lost three, she's not letting herself get too attached to this one.

As she explains to Nancy, Janna had to take care of two of her miscarriages by herself. The middle one was far enough along Russell actually took her to the hospital where he put on a convincing act and lied about his sweetheart falling down the stairs, inducing early labor. Then he took her home and knocked her around some more.

Janna and Nancy start sharing housework and cooking duties. Everyone gets along splendidly, except Janna and Colin. Janna asks him why he's so cool and aloof toward her; what's his problem? (Well duh!) Her being a married woman means a strictly hands-off relationship for him, what does she expect him to do? Janna hasn't even filed for divorce yet. One step at a time.

Chapter 7- When Janna and Matthew decide it's safe to attend church, Janna wears a wig and Matthew's sandy hair has been dyed black. The precautions turn out to be unnecessary. All of Janna's old friends and neighbors have moved away and the ward boundaries were recently changed; nobody recognizes them. Janna contacts Karen to let her know she's fine. Karen, in turn updates Janna on her hypocrite of a husband who told everyone in her old neighborhood a big sob story making himself the innocent victim whose wife left him for no good reason. He continues to come to church and even attended ward temple night. Janna feels sick at the thought of what Russell will do to her if he ever finds her on the other side of town and for many days is withdrawn and depressed.

Colin notices, learns the story and asks if her old bishop was aware of her situation. Janna tells him what happened to her in chapter 2. Lucky Janna's testimony is strong enough she is not bitter or angry at her spiritual leaders for not believing her.

Janna testifies at the hearing, poised and confident in a new power suit which Nancy bought for her on a shopping trip. A restraining order is granted but this hardly alleviates her fears. If Russell finds her, he will kill her.

That night, Janna feels herself going into premature labor and knows she's losing the baby. Nancy helps her through it. Cathy's landline rings and Colin comes right over to offer moral support and give Janna a priesthood blessing. He sits by her bed to talk (Matthew is sleeping elsewhere tonight) and when Janna starts crying he can't resist the temptation to crawl into bed and hold her close. She invites him to kiss her and he does before breaking away and moving to the other bed.

A few days later, Janna and Colin go see our favorite family counselor, Sean O'Hara, whom Janna remembers from her youth (see By Love and Grace) and specifically requested as he's an old family friend. Sean and Tara have four children now as portrayed in his office (remember the 90's matching shirt family picture fad?). Sean listens to their entire story. They talk openly about all the past issues much of which will be dealt with in later sessions but Sean is confident they can overcome this. He'll start treating both Janna and Matthew right away with Colin joining them as needed.

Chapter 8- One day, Janna has an accident in the kitchen, dropping a hot glass baking dish which shatters all over the floor. Out of habit, she flinches when Colin rushes in to investigate. He takes her in his arms. He's not Russell. Janna is still shaky.

A few days later at work, Colin pops into his colleague's office to inquire how Janna's divorce proceedings are going. He's especially curious about the child custody issue and can't believe it when he's informed Matthew is not Russell's child. Matthew was a year old when Janna married Russell Clark. Colin rushes right home to confront Janna who hangs her head and admits she lied all those years ago. Her apology is weak compared to the agony Colin has been suffering all these years, suspecting but never knowing his boys can swim. Colin throws a proper tantrum, kicking chairs and yelling his indignation which, naturally, freaks Janna out. Nancy intervenes, taking Janna downstairs and placing a phone call to Sean who will come right over to put out the fire.

Chapter 9- Still trembling with fear, Janna sobs on Nancy's shoulder downstairs, beating herself up over her past mistakes while Nancy reassures her, everyone still loves her and Colin will get over it. Sean calls for Janna who goes upstairs to join them.

Sean uses an exercise having Janna and Colin trade seats at the dining room table in order to see the issue from the other's point of view. It works like a charm and significant progress is made. Sean lets himself out, his work here is done.

Carl comes home from work and they sit him down to confess Matthew's connection to Colin. Carl takes the news surprisingly well. His advice is for Colin to marry Janna ASAP. They next sit Matthew down and give him the news. He's glad, even if it did mean his parents kissed before he was born. He'll start calling Colin "Dad" right away, if that's all right. Colin has no objections since he'll be assuming the role of breadwinner, officially, from now on. In fact, now that he has an instant family of his own, he'll be assuming responsibility immediately by moving back in with his parents for the holidays. He was getting tired of living with his married sister anyway.

Chapter 10- Janna and Colin spend more time talking with their discussions going to deeper, more personal places than ever before in their relationship. He brings the roses he would've brought her in the hospital when Matthew was born in attempt to start courting her as he should've done all those years ago. Janna is touched by the unexpected gift at such an unexpected time.

They have another session with Sean where Janna reveals to Colin her past struggles with sexual abuse at the hands of her biological father which occurred before they started dating. Colin had no idea. Janna excuses herself from the room as the issue is still too painful to hear. Sean updates Colin on the details which he helped Janna through years ago as his first "client" while he was still in school. Sean advises Colin not to be too hard on himself. Everyone makes mistakes and Sean is no exception. (see By Love and Grace)

After the session, Janna and Colin take a walk before going back into the house where they discuss more of their touchy-feely emotions concerning their relationship. Colin apologizes again for his past behavior, explaining a forgotten lesson that's recently come to mind, advice his father gave him many years ago when he was still a young deacon: that the priesthood is a responsibility which includes his behavior, treatment and stewardship over his future girlfriends and, eventually, wife and children. He took advantage of her vulnerability that fatal night by neglecting to be the first one to exercise control and now they are both paying for his mistake.

Matthew is helping Colin in the garage. The conversation is flowing along when Matthew drops a disturbing hint about something Russell told him regarding patriarchy. Colin tells him it was a lie. Janna sticks her head in and Matthew suddenly asks her, straight out, why didn't she marry Colin instead of that jerk? Janna and Colin explain their mistake and how they're working to rectify it. Matthew is satisfied.

The day Matthew turns seven, Janna finds Colin crying like a little girl in the privacy of a bedroom, upset over all the missed years. Janna apologizes and he forgives her.

During another session with Sean, a new bomb is dropped. Matthew's play therapy sessions are revealing that he, too, was abused by Russell in the form of long, inappropriate lectures he gave him in private about sexual relations between men and women. For Janna this is a real blow as her only comfort all these years has been that Russell left her son alone. Janna is a wreck.

There's more. As Janna and Colin are sitting on the living room couch one evening, Matthew enters to confess something important. Russell did physically abuse him, not as violently as Janna, but treating him rough, shaking him, knocking him around when Janna wasn't present. He can hardly choke out the details, he's crying so hard but with the truth out, his parents show the proper compassion and support he needs to start the healing process. Matthew was never sexually abused, thank goodness. They reassure him he is still loved and nothing like this will ever happen to him or Janna again. Matthew is a brave boy.

Janna hurries from the room to vent her emotions while Colin explains his mom is just sad over what happened to him. It was good he told them, it's just hard. Matthew understands.

Concerned over what kind of mental anguish Janna must be suffering, Colin calls his parents to be with Matthew and excuses himself to go downstairs where Janna rebuffs his efforts to comfort her. Colin takes vigil on the couch in the other room, helpless, as Janna cries herself to sleep.

Chapter 11- A few days later, all the adults attend a session at the Mt. Timpanogos temple together (Provo Temple is out for Janna since that's the one she and Russell frequented) and for Janna this is her first time she's gone since she left Russell. In the celestial room, Colin puts his arm around her as they gaze into the reflecting mirrors. Janna is reminded of the bigger picture.
As Christmas approaches, Janna starts to feel hope that she can put her past behind her and focus on positive things, like the joy of the season with all its baking, decorating and secret shopping for loved ones. Though she hasn't a cent to her name, Colin insists she use his money to do her Christmas shopping. Wanting her gift to Colin to be special, Janna enlists Nancy's help in conspiring to put together a beautiful handmade quilt for Colin letting him think they're making it for a friend. Colin and Janna's cups are full to overflowing Christmas morning as Janna is the recipient of more gifts than she's ever seen in her life. Colin is touched by the quilt and Matthew's Christmas couldn't be more perfect with all the new toys Santa brought. He and Matthew go outside to play catch with his new ball and mitt.
Later, after everyone has gone to bed and Christmas music plays softly in the background, Colin presents Janna with a locket, as depicted on the cover. For Janna, life couldn't be better.

Chapter 12- The day they have all been dreading arrives. Colin, Sean, Janna's physician who examined her and finally, Janna herself, all take the stand at the trial to prosecute Russell Clark for domestic abuse and their case is very convincing. The defense, unfortunately, is stronger. The judge believes Russell was a victim of adultery and Colin Trevor is made out to be a home-wrecker. All abuse charges were manipulated. The judge throws the case out.
Russell stops by their table to rub it in, sneering that he'll find Janna and get his revenge. Janna turns white. Colin glares at him. Dejected, the Trevors leave the courtroom.
Back at the house, Janna is having a panic attack. She knows Russell will make good on his threats; she no longer feels safe here. They assure her she's wrong. Colin feels equally bad as his good name was just slandered in front of his fellow lawyers and a judge he knows and respects. The judge phones to tell Colin, off the record, he believed them but there was just too much "reasonable doubt" to convict the man. No hard feelings.
Janna requests a blessing a few days later which Carl and Colin are happy to provide. Colin blesses Janna she'll be kept safe as long as she continues to act on faith not fear. Colin is ready to take Janna and Matthew, elope and relocate somewhere far away where Russell will never find them but Janna knows this is impossible.
A few weeks later, Janna receives a very large sum of money from the divorce settlement but before she can begin to think what to do with it, Russell calls her at the Trevor residence one morning while she's all alone; like a scene from a horror movie. She hangs up and goes into flight mode. She calls Colin at work to leave a message (he's in a meeting) then calls her friend Karen who comes to pick her up. 
Janna takes Matthew and runs. 

Chapter 13- Under Karen's name, Janna and Matthew check into a motel for the night. Next day, using her windfall, Janna is able to purchase a used car and put down a deposit on a two bedroom apartment in Springville (a small community just south of Provo). She does all this under a pseudonym. 
Meanwhile, Colin is worried sick. He talks to Sean who says this is actually a good thing as it gives Janna the chance to prove her independence, regain some of that lost self-confidence. Janna does contact her lawyer at Collin's office to give him the message she and Matthew are safe. Also, she loves him. (Colin, not the lawyer!) Then, one evening at the house, Matthew calls. His mom is in the shower and he's lonely. Colin wastes no time trying to extract information as to their whereabouts but this seven-year-old has no idea what town they're living in. He can proudly recite the first part of his address and the prefix of his phone number. Since Google Maps won't be invented till 2005, Colin and Nancy have to use the phone book to trace Janna. Colin is knocking at her door within the hour holding a bouquet of flowers. He stays for dinner and a Star Wars movie on the VCR. Tomorrow he'll take Janna out while Matthew will spend the night at Grandma's. Mother and son love the idea.

Chapter 14- The date is thoroughly enjoyed by both adults. Colin drops Janna off that night, returning with Matthew next morning. He ends up spending the day hanging out at the apartment, watching another classic Star Wars feature during which he and Janna start tickling and roughhousing each other. At first, Janna giggles and responds with equal playfulness until Colin gets more persistent. Janna cries out in fright. Matthew runs to his room and shuts the door. Colin deflates the situation quickly, apologizing to Janna, escorting a whimpering Matthew back out to the front room. They know Colin meant no harm but old habits are hard to break. Janna and Colin discuss the incident during their next session with Sean who explains why mother and son regressed back to victims of domestic abuse when they are really survivors.
Colin proposes cute to Janna using Matthew to "pop the question." Janna accepts. The wedding will be held in July, as soon as Janna's temple sealing cancellation is approved by the First Presidency. They'll be married in the Mt. Timpanogos temple and make the announcement official when the entire Trevor clan meets for a huge Memorial Day barbecue. Janna can't wait.
Once again, Russell spoils everything. There's a knock at the door. Russell greets Janna with a fist to her head. He enlisted the help of a private investigator who traced Janna through Karen. Now, it's payback time!
Matthew cowers in a corner, gathering his courage to call for help. Meanwhile, Janna endures the beating, praying her son will be spared and Colin will care for him. As the blackness engulfs her, Janna knows her life is over.

Chapter 15- The phone rings at the Trevor residence. Colin picks up. It's Matthew, he's already called 911 who are on their way (and should've kept the boy on the phone till help arrived) now he's notifying Colin that Russell is beating his mom to a bloody pulp. Colin is already backing out of the driveway. He arrives at the apartment in Springville just in time to wave goodbye to the ambulance speeding off with Janna. Russell, handcuffed, is being escorted to a police car; on his way to jail. Colin will take Matthew to his parents and go straight to the hospital.
Janna is undergoing surgery and won't regain consciousness until tomorrow. The entire Trevor clan-adults only-all of Colin's married siblings, troop into the hospital waiting room in support of Colin. He is the third youngest of eight. Carl and Nancy are here too. Like Colin, all of his siblings have "C" names. Carl jokes they should've named one of the younger sons "Caboose" but Cory will keep his name, thank you very much.
Since they're all here, Colin makes the announcement, weeping as he does so. The family is glad and encourage Colin not to loose faith; Janna will get better and they will all mark their calenders and return for the wedding.
Sean is also here at the hospital to visit Janna and Colin. Good thing because when Janna wakes up she is despondent and suicidal at being alive. She wants to just give up and die. To the dismay of all, she no longer believes any man will ever want her or find her worth loving. She insists Colin is just being noble. They should all just go away and leave her alone.

Chapter 16- Colin tries everything to woo his fianceé and bring her back: painting her toenails, bringing in a huge flower arrangement, repeating over and over how much he loves her and wants to marry her but Janna doesn't care. She wants to die.
Sean walks in and gives Janna a long, impassioned speech about how much she has to be thankful for. Colin for starters. Just having a man in her life who is good, kind and head over heels in love with her, lasso the moon for her, resist hooking up with other women on LDS Planet while he waits for her. No, out of all the women in the world, he's chosen her to be his eternal companion. And let's not forget her son who adores her and can't wait for the three of them to be a family. So many people love and care about her. Starving women in China would be happy to have her life. Janna absorbs all this and Sean excuses himself. His work here is done.
A few hours later, Colin brings Matthew in to see her for the first time since the incident. Janna actually smiles at her son's enthusiasm. Colin informs her after he returns Matthew to his family he's coming back to take her out on a date. A romantic dinner, at the hospital cafeteria. When he gets back Janna has had a bath, is wearing a clean gown and waiting for him.
They reminisce about old times when they were high school sweethearts. The painful subject of Janna's father comes up and Janna gets weepy. So many men have broken her heart. Men she was raised to trust but all, including Colin, let her down. That's why she's struggled all her life with her own self-worth and esteem.
For the last time, Colin reassures her he will always love her and kisses her to prove it. Janna kisses him back feeling renewed with new life.
When Janna is released from the hospital, Colin is waiting to drive her home. Russell went before the judge who threw the book at him. He's going to jail for a long, long time. At least until the next book.

Chapter 17- The wedding is back on! The cancellation of Janna's temple sealing to Russell went through and on the day of the wedding, Nancy helps Janna into her gown in the bride's room. As they kneel across the alter, Colin and Janna are certain Janna's mother is here, in spirit, smiling down on them. There's an open house. Janna and Colin stuff wedding cake into each other's mouths and pose for pictures. Matthew is perfectly happy.
Later, Janna and Colin consummate their marriage. The right way this time.
Better late than never.

The End